Why and How to Talk to Your Future Executor and Heirs about Your Estate Plan

Perhaps you have already chosen an executor , a person who will be administering your estate when you pass. This is a great start to getting your affairs in order to ensure that your family and loved ones receive your assets when you pass away. The next step is to have a frank conversation with the person you’ve chosen to handle your estate.

You may be in your 50s, 60s or even younger. You’re in good health and not planning on dying. No real rush. So the question comes up: when and how should I talk to my future executor, family and any other beneficiaries about my estate plan? 

The answer is simple: whenever you’ve determined that you have an estate, you should talk about it. By the way, it may come as a surprise, but unless you own absolutely nothing, you have an estate. 

Plan on having the conversation sooner rather than later. Realize it may not be a one-time conversation. As time passes, a chosen executor may bow out or even die before you do. You might remarry or your financial situation may drastically change. You may buy a new home or decide to own more pets. Each of these events could be reason to have at least a brief conversation with your executor.

To start the conversation with your future executor, you might want to say the following, according to financial planner and estate expert Myra Salzer: “I’m doing my estate plan and there has to be an executor. This is what’s involved and I’d like you to consider helping me. I also want you to know that if at any time this is too much of a burden for you, that you don’t have to do this. I can find someone else.”

Leaving your executor an out is very important, Salzer says. “The biggest disservice one can do in appointing an executor is not giving them a way to decline,” Salzer says. “For example, if the executor is being treated for cancer, it’s a burden to take on the role of executor as well, especially if there is no planning or warning of death.”

 During your talk with your potential executor, you should outline all of the duties of an executor:

• distributing assets according to law
• paying off debts
• handling insurance policies
• taking an inventory of assets that need to be dealt with
• handling the sale of the house or belongings.

You should give your executor a list of the people that will facilitate the process of settling your estate such as insurance agents, financial planners, family attorneys and accountants. The location of any lock boxes or house keys should also be disclosed. 

The next thing to discuss with your executor is how everything needs to be distributed. Much of this is set out in your will, but you need to discuss this in detail, even to the point of asking the executor if he/she feels comfortable with receiving something. Make sure that you tell them about the information they can find in your EstateLogic account, or anywhere else you keep your important papers.

It’s better to have somewhat superficial conversations with your family or intended beneficiaries about what is important to them. Don’t start some sort of sordid auction about who wants what; it will only cause hard feelings. Instead, feel out each beneficiary individually with a light question.

“What’s important to some may not be important to others. For example, you might have a collection of restored antique paintings, but not all of your heirs may appreciate them as you do. It’s interesting how some people relate to things with historic value while others are future-based and couldn’t be bothered with restoring pictures.”

Another example Salzer gives: You may have a motorcycle left over from your midlife crisis and would like to give it to your 16-year-old grandson who salivates at the very thought of that Harley. You want to make the kid happy, right? But if you don’t discuss how his parents might think of such a gift, you could be setting up a big family fight.

Expect most issues to arise over things with sentimental value, such as family photos and heirlooms that have no marketable value. My most treasured inheritance from my dad, a lifelong bricklayer, is his bricklaying tools. I use his trowels to this day for my own projects and it comforts me as I work to think of Dad.

Conversations like these get things out in the open. “It gives beneficiaries and heirs the opportunity to communicate with the estate holder, ‘This is what’s important to me. The greatest gift you ever gave to me was when you took me camping when I was 5 and I want the tent. I’m going to take my grandson camping.’” 

“If the conversation doesn’t happen, the estate holder doesn’t know that the old tent is important to that specific person,” Salzer says.

Once you get feedback from your heirs and you make your decision on who gets what, communicate your wishes through your last will and testament and your executor, who will, upon your death, distribute your assets based on your very well thought-out plan.