No matter what your unique situation is, someone in this couple has suffered a loss. These past hurts will be a part of this future relationship whether you want them to or not. Ignoring these losses can cause big problems in this new relationship. You are NOT starting over with a clean slate. You may have children and/or other relationships that still link you to your ex-spouse. Feelings about your ex may still be very raw. Acknowledging these facts is imperative before you can really move forward into a committed relationship.
These connections are one of the main reasons experts suggest waiting at least 2 years (730 days) after a divorce to remarry. A marriage is an investment of time, energy and emotion. When a marriage ends, it is necessary to take time to heal and evaluate how you handled your investments in that relationship, and then learn to reinvest in other ways. What did you like about that relationship? What didn’t you like? How did you change as a result of that experience? What changes do you still need to make? It’s not realistic to think you can adequately evaluate some of these questions during or shortly after a divorce. The changes are too fresh and emotions too raw to be fully honest.
Some people have told me that they feel free since their divorce and can’t think of anything they’ve lost. My answer to that is: “Really?” Your income hasn’t changed? Your time and/or relationship with your children isn’t different? You aren’t viewed by others as different now that you are a “divorced person”?
Am I saying divorce is a horribly traumatic, wounding loss to everyone? No! For a lot of people, it’s a relief. But…there were some costs to get there whether they are within you as a person or in the lifestyle around you. Acknowledging those costs and changes is necessary to move forward and leave the past in the past. Again, I emphasize, that takes TIME- at least 730 days to be precise!